DEAR ABBY: Childhood trauma resurfaces for brand new mother

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DEAR ABBY: All through my childhood, my mom was controlling in some ways. Certainly one of them was my garments. She dressed me in ridiculous outfits that I discovered humiliating. If I expressed an opinion about something, I used to be handled as being “unhealthy.” It affected my psychological well being, which resulted in me hating the best way I look.

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I went by a number of consuming problems and dependancy, and I had cosmetic surgery 15 years in the past. After a few years of remedy, I’m now doing higher emotionally. I additionally endured a few years of heart-shattering infertility, however I’m lastly a mom, working onerous to present my little one a greater life than I had.

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My mom continues shopping for garments for my little one, and receiving these “presents” fills me with rage. My son is just too younger to select his personal garments, however I do know what he likes and select garments accordingly. I enable him to pick which gadgets he wears, guilt free. My mom appears to purchase garments primarily based on my son’s pursuits, however I resent her shopping for any garments for him. I need her to cease. It’s my flip to be a mother or father!

I really feel a lot guilt, anger and disgrace freely giving or promoting garments I don’t need, like I’m being “unhealthy.” Regardless of remedy, my childhood trauma persists. How can I ask my mom to cease shopping for undesirable “presents”? — BAD KID FOR LIFE

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DEAR BAD KID: Don’t ASK your mom to cease shopping for clothes on your son — TELL her. Whilst you’re at it, inform her what you have got been doing with them, AND WHY. Then, if she doesn’t already know, clarify precisely how the best way she raised you influenced you. To try this isn’t being “unhealthy”; it’s sincere and lengthy overdue. If she persists after that, be happy to donate the garments, as a result of one other little one is likely to be thrilled to have them.

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DEAR ABBY: My 50-year-old daughter divorced her husband 15 years in the past as a result of she thought she might do higher. From what I might see, he was a very good husband. She didn’t work and lived a cushty life-style with two babies. For the reason that divorce, that life-style has gone steadily downhill. She will be able to’t maintain a job as a result of she all the time finds some option to be offended, and quits.

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She had a home my husband and I paid the down cost on, however misplaced it by making the possession joint along with her abusive second husband. She now not receives little one assist as a result of her kids are grown, so her funds are worse than ever. We purchased her a automobile final 12 months as a result of she had no transportation.

My query is that this: How a lot ought to we proceed to financially assist her? We’re well-off, however the place ought to our obligation finish for a daughter who continues to make unhealthy selections? — PUT-UPON MOM IN GEORGIA

DEAR MOM: As dad and mom of a 50-year-old daughter, you and your husband are probably in your 70s. You could have two selections. In the event you want to proceed enabling your daughter, she is going to obtain no matter is left of your property, so she shouldn’t be homeless after you die in case you go away it in a belief. In the event you don’t want to proceed your monetary assist, chances are you’ll want counselling that will help you overcome your intuition to rescue your self-destructive daughter, who’s now not a baby.

— Expensive Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also called Jeanne Phillips, and was based by her mom, Pauline Phillips. Contact Expensive Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Field 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.